I kneaded today.

Some days are wonderful. I feel like I am living the dream, can't get enough of my kiddos and find the house easy to keep clean and dinner is served on time and everyone loves it. Ok, well, maybe all of that doesn't happen in a single day but it has been known to happen over the coarse of a few making me think that all is right in my world.

Today was not that day.

It started with a grumble because the baby was asleep in the nook of my husbands arm.  And my husband needed to get up. I couldn't just put pillows around the baby as a bumper because my daughter was also asleep in the bed and she just doesn't understand how not to put her limbs on other people, especially a little brother. So, I made the decision to wake my husband, try and move the baby and hope that both daughter and son stayed asleep. It lasted long enough for me to get down stairs, brew a cup of coffee (not drink but just get the coffee in the cup) and then put my bible on the table.  Que the once sleeping daughter. After telling her I would feed her, just like every other morning, the baby started to wake up. Then came dad and finally big brother. And there went my morning.

After a few conversations over egg-in-a-basket, kiss goodbye to my husband, feed child #1 and #2, change child #3, feed child #3, I finally started to drink that cold coffee. Who needs fresh brewed stuff anyways?

Things were a bit of a roller coaster from there with joy-filled moments during home school (see image below where I thought, "ah, he is amazing. I am so glad I made the choice to stay home from the career I loved and keep him home with me so I can watch him discover the world and pour as much love into him as I possibly can.") to considering ducking and pretending he wasn't mine at Chick-fil-a. "No ma'am, that child I just disciplined is not mine. I just felt it my duty to put him in time-out to help out his mother who cannot be found at the moment."

Guys, this parenting and home school stuff isn't for the faint of heart. I have done a lot in my 35 years that has challenged me. Nothing, NOTHING, compares to being a stay at home mom of 3. NOTHING. 

Things just seemed to snowball the rest of the afternoon until I decided it was time to start cooking. I say that I find joy and myself if my hands are in dirt or dough and it is too hot and humid today for dirt so french baguette with dinner it is. I love the recipe in my cooking light cookbook (here) and it doesn't take long. It also didn't take long for God to help me re-focus. 

You are only supposed to knead this dough 4 or 5 times. It went something like this:

Not today Satan. (thud dough on counter)

You don't get my kids. (knead)

You don't get my marriage. (knead) 

You don't get my finances. (knead)

Because my joy doesn't come from them. (knead)

My joy comes from the Lord and you can't take that away from me. (knead) 

I may grow tired, I may feel defeated. I may get frustrated and start to doubt life decisions but I will always come back to joy. Leave me alone. 

I really needed to knead today and as tears fill my eyes I know that my God, He is good. He hears me, He sees me, He knows me and He loves me. No matter what troubles this world brings me and how impossible a day can feel, I know that I am not alone. 

So, go make some bread and I hope God reminds you of all of those things as well. 

Leap of faith: 2010

When Isaac and I were nearing the end of our orders to Virginia Beach, it became very apparent that we had no plan. Well, we had a plan, but as plans tend to do, it fell apart. Let me explain.

Since I was 12, I dreamed of studying and forecasting the weather.  At 24 I lived that dream. By 28 when my orders were coming to a close the only path ahead in that career was clear: attend the Naval Post Graduate school, earn a Masters in Meteorology and Oceanography and before you know it I would have served 12 years and might as well work until retirement. Not only would my degree be in the field I loved, I would get to do it in beautiful Monterey, California. Another dream come true.

But with all things in the Navy, that sweet deal came at a high price. It would cost me a 3 year commitment after graduating with a 99% chance of deploying on a sea tour. A fork in the road. We knew we were ready to start a family, and tons of people had their babies in Monterey however, I didn't want to have a baby and then a year and a half later leave on sea duty. (aka 9 month deployment and over a year of in and out to sea resulting in Isaac becoming a single parent.)

I chose to turn in my resignation as well and start the new dream. Mom.

So there we were, in our late 20's, owning a home and searching for jobs while trying to get pregnant. Isaac had a great job lined up in Nashville. He was supposed to come down for a walk through in late May while he was transitioning out of the Navy...that was postponed. And then it was postponed again. We realized this postponing might never end so Isaac told them thanks, but he was going to start looking elsewhere. About 2 weeks before I said goodbye to my Chief, he walked in and said, "wow. You are really doing this aren't you?"  "Doing what?" "Leaving everything. Where are you going to live?" "I don't know." "What are you going to do for a job?" "I don't know, we'll figure it out." "So what is your plan?" "God will take care of it. I know it." "See, there, I am just amazed, you are really doing this! I don't think I ever had the guts nor will I."

I never once thought what we were doing was brave. Crazy, yes. Brave? no. But I also knew that I was letting go of everything that I once thought was the life for me. I found myself belting out the lyrics to my favorite song, "I'm letting go" every day on my way home. Haven't heard it? Here is the chorus:
I'm letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go

On June 30th I said goodbye to all of my coworkers, packed up my office and headed home. A month later I was officially out of the Navy and the only job I had known in my adult life.

And then, there was the test. The best test I had ever taken up to that point in my life. The test that told us that 3 days after our final pay check, we were going to be parents. Isaac and I enjoyed the following weeks more than many in our lives. We had no job. We had no plan. I do not advise this to everyone, but if you find yourself at a crossroads and know you are supposed to turn instead of keep going straight, TURN!! Turn and don't look back. When your soul finds peace that baffles others, know that is what Paul means when he writes of the "Peace that surpasses all understanding." (paraphrased, Philippians 4:7)

2 weeks later we found ourselves in Cincinnati and Isaac accepting a job offer with a great company. We made the decision that I would not work during the months leading to our baby boy arriving and settled into our new home. Our Lord provided more to us in Cincinnati than I ever thought possible. I also found myself saying something I have since repeated several times, "well, I never thought I would live in (fill in the blank) but it has been a wonderful experience and I don't want to leave." 

Everything wasn't smooth after that, but we have always been able to look back to the summer of 2010 and know that our God provided for us. He loves us. He will always take care of His children as long as we trust, believe and follow Him. 

Thankful for the dirt

One thing I have always hated was sweeping. I remember when my mom used to make me do that as the final step of cleaning the kitchen. I could never seem to get everything into the dust pan, which bothered me, so I would sneak over and sweep my pile under the rug! When it was there, I was convinced that it was contained and my job was complete. Plus, sweeping only cleaned the floors until the next person or pet walked through the room.

In college we had white tile floors. Everywhere. Globs of lint and hair and whatever else, which we affectionately called 'dust bunnies' would make their way into our room and live in the corners until we would sweep. We were supposed to sweep every day. At any moment, we were to be ready for a room inspection and that meant a swept floor.  I probably swept once a month. Thank goodness I had roommates that would carry that burden for me...we weren't allowed a rug in our room.

In each home I have lived in, I have begrudgingly swept our floors. Thankfully, in the first home my husband and I lived in together we had a mostly carpeted floor plan and the vacuum and I get along just fine. I love that invention. I even bring it into the kitchen and suck up the piles these days...much better than under the rug.  When we moved back to Virginia Beach I just accepted the fact that I was going to have to sweep a lot more. Uhhhhh. I love the beach, but sand gets EVERYWHERE!  There was another problem with this new home. Whoever installed the floors in the kitchen area hated mothers. Let me explain. From our kitchen you can exit out the back door onto the concrete patio or you can come into the home through the garage. I assume that the selector of the flooring thought, "I will make sure anyone who hates to sweep the floor will be able to see the dirt that their children and pets track in constantly by installing these bright white ceramic floors. They don't even look clean when they are freshly mopped! wahahahahahaha!"

Ok, so maybe they actually thought more along the lines of, "White will make things look brighter. Let's do that." But, after living with these floors for almost a year, I tend to lean towards the aforementioned theory.

We sweep constantly. We have a rug by the back door and the garage door that my kids have become well trained that their shoes stop there however, the dirt finds its way everywhere. EVERYWHERE! I now only sweep either right before bed or first thing in the morning because mid-day sweeps are pointless. I *might* sweep before someone comes over to our house but if they are bringing more than one child with them, fa-getaboutit.

This morning I did my sweeping. You can see, these aren't a small pile of beans, but a mountain of dirt each day:

But something was different today as I swept; I was thankful. I am so thankful that my children love to play outside. I love that they want to play in the dirt, bring me picked flowers, show me cool bugs or worms that they find and in their excitement they don't have time to stop at the door and take off their shoes...they have to run right to Mommy and show her. I am so thankful that they get to make fun crafts like play-doh at church and then play with them at our kitchen table, leaving little bits of pink dough everywhere in their wake. I am thankful for the food that we can afford to fall on the ground. I am thankful for a husband who helps me sweep. I am thankful that every day I get to do this all over again because I know before too long the kids with grow, our old pup will pass and it will just be Isaac and I tracking little to no dirt into the house. I know that this dirt represents the life that is in our home and I am thankful that I get to see the side effects of a day well lived. 

I am thankful that we live each day.  

I still hate sweeping, but I will do it with a thankful heart from now on. 

The Life not lived

We are a very blessed family. I have a husband who not only loves me but works daily to make our marriage terrific...it isn't perfect (far from it), but we are dedicated to one another and work really hard to strengthen our marriage. We have two healthy, energetic, social and hilarious children. One boy, one girl. We have a dog that loves everyone, rarely barks and only makes herself known when food is being served. We live near a beach. My husband has a steady job which he does well at and I get to live my dream of staying home and taking care of my family.

Why would we ever want more? Well, for about a year now I have longed for a third child. Timing seemed wrong and so we waited for dust to settle and for our hearts to agree before we pursued that third baby.  Oh what joy when 4 days before Christmas I got the best gift ever...a positive pregnancy test.  We have never had any issues with our pregnancies and typically have told family and close friends almost immediately (between 5 and 7 weeks).  Since our son is almost 5 and more aware of things, we decided to get through our first appointment before telling our children of their soon to be baby brother or sister.

We had so much fun telling our parents. I will never forget the hugs, shouts of joy and excitement on our dear friends faces as we told them.

We started planning. Talking about names, rearranging sleeping arrangements to allow more space for our older daughter. It seemed everyone we knew was letting the cat out of the bag about their sweet babies that were on the way but we waited patiently for that first appointment at 8.5 weeks.

We did test the water with our children though:
"Eli, what would you think about having another baby brother or sister?"
"Ummm, that sounds like fun."
"What would you rather have, a brother or a sister?"
"Brother. No sister. No, both!" Then he stood up, put his hands on his hips and with the most grown up look and stature turned to me and said, "what do you think Mommy? You have enough room in that belly of yours for two babies?"

We were a bit nervous that the ultrasound would reveal two little babies...scared but would have been thrilled. Especially considering what we found out instead.

My husband and I arranged to have a friend watch our kids so we could get the first look at our new baby together. It was a new doctor's office and the earliest I had ever gone in for an appointment. I was 12 weeks with Eli and 10 with Elle. The technician started her machine and the excitement between Isaac and I was almost tangible.

And then the air started to leave the room.

"So, are you sure you are pregnant?"
"Oh, yes ma'am. Quite positive."
"Could you be off on your dates?"
"No, I had a positive test on December 21st. I am quite sure."
"Well, this is your uterus, (showing us on the screen) and there is no baby in there. You are sure you are....oh no... this is not good. No, this is not good at all."

She said a few other things as she started measurements and typed the words on the screen, "Ectopic Pregnancy."

And there it was. Our beautiful baby. The picture on the screen looked just like the others. Odd shaped head and tiny nubs for arms and legs. And there in the middle, the fast and clear beating of our babies heart. The difference? This baby was not in the perfectly safe womb, it was somewhere on the right side of my body. Presumably in my fallopian tube but we would find out hours later, after surgery, that it had actually attached to my right ovary. Which, had to be removed.

Why am I writing this? For closure I guess. Because although our baby was only 8.5 weeks, it was our baby and it had a future that will never come to fruition. Because I have to remind myself of what happened because some moments I forget and start to day dream about September again. Because I want others to know that though we didn't get to name our baby or hold or baby or sing to our baby, it was still our baby and loved like our other two children.

The hours leading up to my surgery and the remainder of my time in the hospital were and still are a blur. I just know every time someone asked me, "why are you here?" and I had to say, "because I have an ectopic pregnancy and the baby has to be removed," a box of tissues was immediately handed to me.

The doctors may have referred to our baby as "the pregnancy" or "pregnancy tissue" but they would always hesitate when they had to say, "an 8 week fetus with a heartbeat." It was a life. A life that would not be lived outside of me.  A life that though we never got to hold in our hands will live on in our hearts forever. I don't understand why this miracle never made it into our home. I do not know nor do I care to question my Lord as to why we have to suffer this pain and ponder the what-ifs. It doesn't change anything to have the answer.

The loss is the same and I choose to find joy and happiness.

I am thankful that we live when and where we do so that this abnormal pregnancy was detected before a rupture which would have been life-threatening to me. I am grateful for the moments I have had with my husband quietly crying together, or talking about our loss and comforting one another. I am thankful that we are now closer. I am thankful for my two sweet babies at home and the love they have poured upon me as I have been less able to love on them due to recovering. I am thankful for the outpouring from our friends and neighbors who know of our loss.

We are so blessed.

The loss of this child doesn't change that. Any loss doesn't change that. I know that I am loved and we are loved by a Father who mourns with us our losses.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship...I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, God is my victory and He is here." -Hillsong, Desert Song

Salsa Verde Ribs for the Christians

I should really be doing the dishes that are piled in the sink, on my counter and in the dish washer. I should probably also attend to that pile of laundry that is in my bedroom and the laundry from last week that is still in the dryer. Maybe I should finally hang the pictures on the wall in the dining room instead of looking at them and just restacking them or perhaps finally paint the walls in our bedroom because the paint was mixed 2 months ago...

When you move, have two small kids, and a beach near by, the to-do list is endless! However, when a dear friend asks for a recipe so that they can enjoy a meal and remember how many times we shared it together, everything else goes on hold and that memory and recipe is shared.

First though, a tribute to our amazing friends, the Christians:

When Isaac and I were moving away from our Navy careers and found ourselves in land-locked Ohio, we knew practically no one and spent 6 months in an apartment as we learned about the area and searched for a a more permanent home. While walking our dog one day, I happened across another dog who loved the frisbee just as much as Paisley. Enter Julie. Our first "family" gathering was a couple of days later to carve pumpkins for Halloween and we would continue that tradition for the next 3 Halloweens slowly adding to our families with 3 more little sets of hands. When we found our home across town from the apartment and the Christian family, not only did they end up buying a home 4 minutes from us, they actually tried to move down the street. The Christian family is one that doesn't do anything half way. If you need them, they are there. If life is crazy, they stand in the crazy with you.  Countless meals were shared and if we were all too crazy to sit down together, food was often dropped off at each others homes. "Hey, I made a big batch of chicken salad, James is on his way over to drop it off. If your day was anything like mine yesterday, then I know you have no plans for dinner." And amazingly, we were always right. Good friends know exactly what we need when we need it and they don't ask if you need something, they just do it.

Enjoy this delicious crockpot treat :)

Salsa Verde Ribs
(Originally found in Southwest Slow Cooking with my adaptations below)

Nonstick cooking spray
1 tsp salt
3 lbs boneless country pork ribs (I often used whatever was on sale and just pulled the bones out as I shredded it when cooked)
2 (16oz) bottles of green salsa (We often just did one large jar since there was always a lot left over)
1 (heaping)Tbsp ground cumin
1 Tbsp garlic powder

Coat a skillet with nonstick cooking spray.  Season the ribs with salt and lightly brown in the skillet, about 5-8 minutes. Combine the salsa, cumin and garlic in a medium bowl. Place the browned ribs in the slow cooker and cover with the green sauce. Cover and cook on low for 8-9 hours. Serve with warm tortillas (corn) and sour cream. Makes 4-5 servings.

**Guacamole is a great addition to this simple meal along with sharp cheddar cheese. I was known to put the left overs with some eggs in a burrito the next morning...if there were leftovers!

Pond Life to Salt Life

I know, I don't write. Ever. So, I don't think many of you will see this which is why I am posting it all :)

In yet another crazy crazy turn of events, we are leaving our lovely South Carolina home and headed full circle back to Virginia Beach. When I earned my Surface Warfare Pin I treated myself to a painted piece of wood that reads, "Home is where your story begins..." Well, Isaac and I started our married life in Virginia Beach and now our children will spend some time growing up there!

When we bought our home in SC we saw it for maybe 20 minutes, I wasn't overly impressed, but we liked the pond, the open floor plan and the price tag. We took a leap of faith, which at times seemed like a BIG mistake but God always works everything out, am I right? And boy has He, but that is another post.

The closing was horrible, the house was an even bigger mess than when we first saw it and we were so sad that this dirty home was where we were moving our babies to. Hopefully these photos prove that with some elbow grease, paint, a few upgrades and a whole lot of scrubbing, sometimes a pig with lipstick can be a beautiful thing. At least we like to think so :)

All photos are the before and then after!

Painted front door Red, Shutters a brighter blue, added a storm door, MAN HANDLED the front shrubs and removed one, added a flag as any good patriot does, the Texas Lonestar, and had a local company fertilize our yard and installed a fence to keep our curious kiddos out of the pond.

 So, the kitchen and living room was a HUGE problem for me as we bought this home. The wall color, the lack of storage in the kitchen, the lighting, the dark counters that had melted and missing parts from years of misuse. I was SO happy with the paint color. My FIL helped us install some cabinets from Lowes to make a coffee bar and give me much needed storage for larger kitchen appliances, we changed out the light with a steal of a deal from the Ballard Outlet in West Chester, Ohio. I loved this space when it was finished...It only took us 6 months to buy a couch and we packed it into storage less than 6 months later...I digress.

 

 We took out the old counters when the price started going up on the laminate to cover the new coffee bar. Granite was a lot more affordable than we thought and East Coast Granite would match the Lowe's pricing and they had about 3x the selection. We tiled the backsplash our selves (don't look too closely) and purchased it at Lowes along with a new pendant light for over the sink. I took down the broken and slanting vertical blinds on the door and hung a curtain rod with some home made drapes. Oh, and a new faucet over the sink with our new deep sink that came with the granite. There is that "Home is where your story begins" sign that is over the sliding doors.

 

I'm just not a formal sitting room kind of girl and my toddlers and carpet don't go well with food! We installed pergo floors in the dining room and entryway and painted the room BM Elephant Gray. I was going to put the Ballard light in here but the chandelier, although hanging slightly askew, grew on me and kept it's spot. 

The bedrooms were just some paint and our decor. 

 

I need storage space! We added these cabinets from Lowes and I painted the walls Sherwin Williams, Glass Slipper. It was a sample I got but decided it was too light for the entire home. It was just enough to cover the walls during nap time one day! 

 

Sherwin Williams Silver Bullet Gray (I think). Must check on that! 

We doubled the size of the deck, changed the location that you walked down into the yard and then put a good thick coat of stain on it so the old and new would look alike. We had big plans for that deck this summer and fall. The shade falls on it around 2pm in the summer and with a bit of a breeze it's perfect.

Well, that's it. Our little SC home. I know a lot of our friends and family waited for one reason or another to visit and man, did they miss out! Peaches, fireworks and bbq. Not to mention the fishing, laughing and neighborhood pool! We will miss not only the home but some great friends and some incredible loving people we met in our short amount of time there. I know SC is in the news a lot right now, but for the most part, you can't find any better people. Kind, loving, peaceful and willing to help anyone in need.

I also was sad to leave this chapter for our kids. They grew up so much in the year we lived there. Both are so much physically bigger but they are much more brave, opinionated and curious.

The frogs won't miss them though. Not. One. Bit. Well, at least those that survived!

Pinterest Recipes

I have a confession. So, here goes.

Hi, my name is Kari and I spend obscene amounts of my free time, and my time I should be interacting with my children, pinning mostly useless pins on pinterest.

There, I said it. I waste a LOT of time, especially lately, looking at idea after idea. I mean, there are a lot of useful things on there and I have used a lot of the pins that I have pinned regarding activities with my kiddos and food to eat however, lets get real, I will most likely never use a pin from my "dream home." Unless of course I finally write the book I know will be a huge success or decide to finally buy a lottery ticket and slightly increase my odds of winning.

So, to make myself feel a little bit better about the copious amounts of time that I spend staring at my 2x4 screen, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite pins that I have actually prepared.

See, not totally wasted time...

I made these yummy to go oatmeal muffins, found here.

 (all pictures from linked site)
 My son can't get enough of them however little L eats about half of them and is then done...she eats every bite of normal oatmeal so I might stick to that for her for now. My only comment is that they were a bit moist after baking (apple sauce) so I would recommend the foil muffin liners instead of paper.

E has been begging for chicken noodle soup all winter and in an attempt to avoid too much sodium, I thought, I can make him some. I found this recipe here, and pretty well followed it. We found that it was really really good with some cajun seasoning sprinkled over top. I also only  had to turn it on high for about 25 minutes and the noodles were cooked. Great news when you have two kids begging for dinner to be ready :) E liked it, but didn't really devour it...the hubs and I loved it.

I love eggs Benedict.  For years I sort of felt like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" eating my eggs however the person I was eating with ordered them.  It wasn't until I was married that I was introduced to the poached egg and the glorious holandaise sauce. That being said, I made this recipe for my in-laws a couple of weeks ago and it left me in the luke warm category. Although it felt like a major accomplishment to make my own sauce, something I had never done before, I felt that it somewhat defeated the purpose of the overnight egg bake...I still had to stand over a pot, ignore people as I stirred constantly and do dishes. SO, if I were to make this again, I would totally cheat with a packet of the powder sauce instead to save some time. Just about as tasty. Also, it took about 10 minutes longer to bake than advertised...my sauce was done well before the food. I still like my poached eggs better :)

I do like my overnight casseroles though...as you are really about to find out. I made this one for a MOPS meeting and it was so easy to assemble but I would like to maybe try it with 2/3 of the hashbrowns and double the chilies. It really needed the salsa, so I don't consider it optional. I will be making it again :)

Is your mouth watering looking at this photo? I have made this one a few times now. If you were wondering how a person can run and run and not lose any weight, it is because they found a lot of french bread on clearance and have been eating overnight french toast bakes, weekly. I may know a thing or two about that...but, this is a decadent, delicious, "today must be special" kind of french toast. I typically omit the white bread and just use half a french loaf for the bottom and the other half for the top. Also, to try and justify my extra piece, I just use skim milk instead of the half and half and lowfat cream cheese. It really turns out the same...and don't forget, you are getting a healthy serving of antioxidants!

Some of my other french toast bakes I have talked about in previous posts. I told you I was obsessed.

More next time. I try really hard to get creative in the kitchen and love the inspiration I find on pinterest.

See, all that wasted time--totally justified.